alexis in the city

spoiled brat?

grew up pretty sheltered in a Christian/Air Force/ bubble - and looking back, i don’t think i’d really change much, eventhough it kind of turned me into “that girl:” the girl that thinks everyone’s parents encourage them to go to (a private) college and volunteer to pay. the girl that got a car soon after i turned 16 (it was “only” a VW!). the girl that knows she’ll always have her parents to rely on if that need arises. don’t be put off yet. i know that makes me sound pretty spoiled, but it really didn’t seem that way. i have extremely down-to-earth parents who did what was in their power to make my life better without, i feel like, leaving me with that pesky entitlement mentality. i really don’t know how they did it.

it may sound really “entitled” to say something like, “i didn’t realize till i was an adult that some people had to raise their OWN money to go to high school camp,” or make another such assumption. so i guess maybe it is true to a certain extent. but i don’t know that it’s really hurt me. i don’t feel entitled in the sense that i think the world should just hand me things. i’m willing to bust my ass for a good job, and prove my work ethic before i ask for a raise. willing to scrape by for a few years in order to save/invest a bunch of money that will hopefully secure our future.

if anything, i feel like the things i think i’m “entitled to” will only force me to work harder. i guess i do feel entitled to end up with a good job, living in a nice house, in the city of my chosing. able to take vacations if i want and help people out when they need it. is it bad to be raised in a house where money really isn’t an object (while still learning the value of a dollar, of course)? to look at things, experiences and investments objectively, for what they are, not in terms of how the exact dollar amount might make or break you?

what i DO think about is maybe i don’t appreciate all the things i have in my life as much as someone who, for example, “earned” their way through college. (but then, would they really appreciate either taking 6 years in school or having 100 grand in debt?) maybe they’re a little more hell bent on making something of themselves because they DON’T have something to fall back on. i look at ryan and his drive to make his financial plan work. some (like me) may call him obsessed, and there’s a lot of reasons for this - he loves finances and investment and real estate. he enjoys researching and taking on new projects. but i know a big reason he works towards these things is because he wants to create a different environment (in some ways) from the one he grew up in. in that respect he as an extra (or maybe just different?) motivation to make it work.

i also have a motivation, but my motivation is to create a SIMILAR environment to the one i grew up in. and i guess i do kind of feel entitled to that. i may sound spoiled but i don’t think i’m a brat. i’m extremely greatful to my parents for everything they’ve given me - financially, spiritually, academically, relationally - and while i may have “assumed” some things about life and finances while i was growing up, now that i’m older and wiser those assumptions have turned to complete appreciation for the life i was given

my commute

I’ve always said one of the reasons I need to be on a coast is because I love the water and can’t stand being land locked. Then people point out – you don’t live on the beach, you can’t see it from where you are, and you don’t go all that often. All that is true – but for me that never really mattered. Knowing it was there was always good enough for me.

But now, another one of the randomly wonderful aspects of my work is, it’s on the Embarcadero, right across from the water. I ride the train right under the Bay Bridge and along the marina every morning. I take this for granted. I know that because I’d been doing this routine for about 5 months before it really dawned on me just how perfect this situation was. This was my ideal. Boiled down, this was one of the reasons why I moved back to California (although I knew I should never have left!), and into San Francisco. To be in such a perfect city.

So I’ve been trying to really focus on how lucky I am every morning, when my cross-city commute takes me through some of the most beautiful (non-vacation) landscape ever. I see a picturesque downtown as I walk to the metro every morning – the highrises, the amazing architecture, even the americorp building. Then when my train pops up from underground on the Embarcadero I go right by one of my coolest sculptures ever – a crazy huge bow and arrow made to look like it’s crashing into the ground. Then there’s the bridge, the mini-park, the boats parked in the marina, the palm trees.

Today as I thought about it all, I actually got a little teary-eyed. I am SO lucky. And sometimes I don’t live in the moment enough to really taste that. I have the most amazing job, at the most unbelievably cool company - which I randomly fell into before I could even realize what an opportunity it was. I live somewhere that I’m actually excited about and proud of (if you can be proud of a place you live). It’s been a long time since I felt that way.

I think some people just have places written on their hearts. Since I didn’t like Colorado, it was really hard for me to understand how people could be so in love with it. But I can’t judge them if that’s where they feel drawn to be. All I knew was I just didn’t have “that feeling” about it. (my anchors – who had been gone from CO for a while – once said that they just couldn’t stay away. I remember thinking, “are you kidding me? Whenever I go visit somewhere else, I cry when I have to get on the plane to come back here!” And I really did cry.)

Now I have the “feeling” again – and I don’t expect it to be the last time I do. There are a lot of cities out there with a lot to offer, and I plan to live in a lot of them. For now though. I’m going to do something that’s tough for me – try and focus on tasting the moment I’m living in now.