so if we’re not 1950’s housewives, where does that leave us?
i’ve been tackling the ideas put forth in a chapter of a book called “the excellent wife” - mainly that it is a woman’s role - and an issue of black and white - to stay home and tend to the kids and the house. i went into (great) depth on the refutation of these ideas in three separate posts here, here and here.
so to wrap it up, i go back to the issue at hand:Â i don’t think there’s a reason, biblical or otherwise, that the weight of all the responsibilities of the home should fall to the woman if it’s not something she enjoys or feels strongly like she should do.
i’m not naive enough to think that we never have to do anything we don’t enjoy. but if you really hate, say, cooking (as i do), and your husband likes it, why not let that role fall to him? or if you can’t stand doing dishes (and who doesn’t?) why not find a mutually beneficial compromise with your spouse? to make a sweeping generalization that anything in the domain of the home falls to the woman refuses to acknowledge that each marriage has its own way of working, its own dynamic.
to venture into anecdotal territory, i mentioned that my mom didn’t work after my sister and i were born, and i appreciate her for this. she did, however, have a career as a school teacher before we were born. the fact that she worked hard to pursue something she enjoyed influenced how she raised us and how i viewed my role in the world, and as a potential wife in a potential marriage. she was self-sufficient and on her own for a while and this sense of individuality and accomplishment - who she was before she was a mom - did a lot for the importance i placed on MY individuality, as a kid AND as an adult. this, to me, was worth its weight in gold, much like her presence during our childhood.
ryan has pointed out that neither case is air tight - neither the case that women should stay home nor the case that they shouldn’t - and he’s right. he also pointed out that it would likely take a lot more evidence to convince me that women SHOULD stay home than to convince me that they don’t have to, because i already have a bias toward not staying home. this is also true, as i’m emotionally invested in the issue and it affects me personally, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing. (i should also mention that ryan is emotionally invested in this argument, too, as his quality of life would likely go way down if i became solely responsible for “caring for the home!”)
to be convinced that staying home is the right and only way to go, there would need to be a lot of relatively air-tight evidence because adapting that view would demand an entire shift in my paradigm and worldview. it would fly in the face of what i’ve been taught, it would contradict what i believe i’m supposed to accomplish with my life and - perhaps most importantly - it would be counter-intuitive to what i believe to be true about my faith.
so - as much as i don’t like to admit it - i am emotionally invested in this argument, and that’s ok. additionally, i’m not sure that it’s wrong for me to require lots and lots of fool-proof evidence before i make up my mind, and i just haven’t seen that type of evidence.
March 29 2009 11:43 am | career and family and marriage
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Once again I think that you hit a homerun!!! I totally agree with you that as women we should be able to “choose” what we want to do. I always felt that the woman and man should be somewhat equal on all household tasks…and in my marriage we are. Its kinda funny:) I never thought I would marry someone I met with a pink mohawk but stranger things have happened. I think that his love for pink overshadows his willingness to enjoy whatever household task at hand. My husband taught me that anything is acceptable. HIS unending love for the Dyson IS DEMONSTRATED BY his desire to always vaccum and the fact that if he wants to cook or add to my dish:) I fully support him.
Anyhoo I am thankful for the women of the 50’s and there darling hairdos and red lipstick, but as for the 2000’s I am glad that we can mimic them if we desire but be independent too.
Being a Navy wife now, I am glad to say that it is nice to think that I may not have to work, but I am glad that I do. I am glad that my job and what I do is a part of who I am and that part is separate from my hubby.