i am more than an “s”
i hate that i’m a mrs. i don’t hate being married but i hate that who i am can be reduced to one tiny letter on the front of an envelope. let’s face it: “s” is the only thing differentiating me from ryan when we get things addressed to “mr and mrs ryan waggoner.”
i’m sure i’m over-reacting and i’m sure it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. a lot. it’s one more way that we conform to the constructs of a pre-feminist, patriarchial society without even realizing it. and - while i’d like to say my anger is directed toward the injustices revealed by this contruct and then subsequently enforced upon all women - (although that is the cause of some of my emotion), this is rooted in a far baser reaction: i am perturbed on a personal level.
let’s set aside the fact that i feel waaaaay too young for anyone to call me “mrs.” or the fact that i kept my original name. if we must do the mr. and mrs. thing and we must use only one last name, is it REALLY too much to ask to include MY name in there? i mean, i would be happy with a simple “mr and mrs ryan and alexis waggoner.” (see that - i don’t even care if ryan’s name is listed first. that much. although i think it should be alphabetical … but whatever.)
i know most people don’t even THINK about these kinds of things, so i don’t take it personally when i get something addressed to me as an “s.” i’m not frustrated with the person that sent it, i’m frustrated with the length of time it takes our habits and constructs as a society to be deconstructed and reconstructed differently and more effectively.
June 19 2009 05:40 pm | marriage and soapbox
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
I know what you mean and I agree with you. I actually was not a fan of my maiden name and that only stems from the fact that it it german and impossible for any human being to pronounce.
The wierdest part of the whole getting married thing was the new last name. Rebecca Bohrer was who I was, I was my father’s daughter and had his last name and then, I was just married. Second you have being a “wife” and then third I became a military dependent. Don’t get me wrong, there are benefits to being a dependent but even the healthacare system in the Navy only gives you an identity through your spouse. (which can apply to male dependents too)
For an independent woman who did everything alone for 28 years, getting married and loosing part of me was tough. Being in Europe made me even more independent but also aware that our society is not even close to the worse. All the European countries who share a history in the romance languages, share a common sexist title to words in their language. As I mentioned to my Spanish friend Roberto who believed that the sexism was worse in the US, every noun is introduced as masculine or feminine. La casa, el agua or whatever it may be is either one sex or the other. The one that got to the most is why is a room with 10 women and 1 man=Los adultos? They become masculine just because of the one man.
Although I am content being a Miller and love my husband, I cannot say I did not feel robbed once I got married of who I am.
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
i would encourage you to NOT accept that you have lost a part of who you are! there is no reason we can’t be completely who we are AND be married. i’ve found the marriages i admire most, and those who i think have the strongest relationships, have figured out this balance of being completely their own person while also being half of a relationship. it doesn’t take two “halves” to make the whole of a relationship, i believe it takes two whole, complete, independent people to make a fruitful committed relationship.
on the flip side, it’s a struggle not to go overboard, and i know i sometimes do. complete independence isn’t healthy either, as that’s not what a marriage is supposed to be - which is why the balancing part is so difficult.
the last name to me is a symbol of all this which is perhaps why i take it so seriously. ryan and i made a compromise when we got married that i would keep “james” professionally because you’re completely right, it’s who we ARE for so long - who i STILL am - it didn’t seem natural to me to just give that up. i’m proud of my family and where i came from, and i’m proud to be married - there’s no reason my name can’t reflect both these things.
i like the idea that i’ve heard of people doing - combining the two last names to be something completely new. after all - isn’t that a more accurate reflection of what marriage is, anyway?! maybe back in the day women would just become a part of their husband’s household and he would be her protector and provider but nowadays - and definitely in any “household” i’d want to establish - it’s more of an equal protection and provision.
as you can see, i’ve given this LOTS and lots of thought … for someone as independent and stubborn as i’ve always been, i was not about to give in or give up just because i opted into the relatively traditional establishment that is marriage. there are few things “traditional” about the way i do marriage
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
that I have really enjoyed reading your posts. Any way
I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!