why church is like the gym
church is like the gym for me. some people have probably heard my analogy, but here it is:
i get up every morning and go to the gym, 7 am, like clockwork. it’s not a choice for me, it’s not something i evaluate, it’s just something i do. it’s something i’ve always done basically my entire life, and i don’t really think about it. i don’t know how to do anything else from 7 to 8am. i don’t particularly enjoy it - i don’t wake up in the morning thinking, “oh boy, i’m so excited to get up and work out.” like i said - i don’t think about it at all. i show up at the gym and i work the hell out of myself. i don’t have a blast while i’m there, but i don’t hate it. then, after i leave, i’m glad i went - i feel like i did something good for myself and that i made a good decision. and if i don’t go (yes, there have been a handful of times over the course of my life where i’ve **gasp** skipped the gym!) i feel like crap. overall i see the benefits it has in my life and therefore it’s not a habit i’m going to part with.
this is pretty much the perfect description for how i view church. i don’t go every day or anything, but it’s a weekly habit that’s been ingrained in me since the dawn of time as i know it. i don’t really enjoy it, but i’m not miserable - and after i go, i’m glad i went … though - like the gym - that’s mostly because if i don’t go, i feel guilty.
i’ve been drawing this analogy for several years now but hadn’t really voiced it in the public space because, well, i was kind of ashamed of it. like i feel with other components of my faith and belief system, i was afraid people wouldn’t get it. i was afraid people would judge me for going through the motions, for not “getting” church, or for whatever reason.
but then i explained the analogy to my mom. and she got it. and i thought maybe i wasn’t so crazy after all.
my mom is kind of my litmus test. (although this may be somewhat unfair, since she’s had my entire life to get used to my whims and thought processes.) still - if she thinks i’m off base on something, she’ll tell me. my parents and i dialogue about stuff like this quite a bit, but i was afraid they would equate how i feel about church with how i feel about faith - and that’s not the case. my mom said she had felt the exact same way a few years ago - like she was just going through the motions for the sake of it.
i don’t want this analogy to sound like i’m going through the motions of faith, or faking what i believe because that is not at all the case. i feel that part of the reason i’m disallousioned with church is BECAUSE i’m on an active spiritual path. i’m questioning what it means to be in community, to share in each other’s joys and sorrows - not just within the walls of a building but within my city.
so why do i keep doing it? why not just give up? i guess it’s because i believe that being in community is important and right now - although i’m unhappy with things the way they are - this is the best community i’ve got. i’m not sure what the next steps are. i’m not sure if i should be more vocal about my dissatisfaction, if i should continue to be patient, if i should try and change things in my church now, or if i should just cut bait and move on.
maybe there are more people out there who feel like me. maybe, like me, they’re afraid to speak up. maybe they feel like a square peg in a round hole, too. where should the square pegs go? is there a place for us? because i believe in the underlying principles of my faith much more than i believe in how it’s played out in terms of church, i think the answer to this last question is “yes.” i believe that mine is a faith for people on the fringe. otherwise, what’s the point in believing in it at all?
i just don’t know the answer to the previous question: where do the square pegs go?
July 16 2009 10:25 pm | career and family and military and religion and san francisco and the city