alexis in the city

my monastic retreat, solitude and finding myself

i am now present to the magnificence of my life

i really try to stay away from touchy/feely/spiritual-y statements as i feel they tend to get in the way of an intellectually-driven quest. but at the same time, certain esoteric components of spirituality do jump out at me from time to time, as the above quote did.

i was minutes away from heading off to my monastic retreat for the weekend. ryan was dropping me off at the monestary in berkeley and we stopped to have lunch before i began my descent into the unknown. ryan indulged my desire to go to cafe gratitude which is entirely another story in and of itself, but while we were there i pulled out a card with this quote on it from the deck that was at our table. it seemed a fitting way to start my journey toward peace, joy and contentment.

it was like something/someone/whatever was saying: your life has already been designed with a purpose. it already has meaning. it’s already fulfilling. now you have to figure that out for yourself.

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it takes a village to raise a child

my village was evangelicalism.

let me preface this all by saying: i am grateful (for the most part) for the way i was raised - because what i’m about to write might sound like i’m trying to imply the opposite.  i’m not. just because i question and denounce parts of my upbringing doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate it. it means that i - like so many - am a part (or was a part? i’m not sure yet …) of a culture i have some serious issues with.

over the course of my life, i’ve noticed that most kids raised similarly to how i was tend to fall into three camps. the first are those who either accept what they’ve been taught at face value, or come to a place of acceptance. the second group denounces the religion of their childhood altogether, or becomes ambivalent. and then there are the rest of us, the little village children of a certain type of christianity, walking the fringes as we wrestle with what we consider to be inconsistencies, hypocrisy, and sometimes downright lies.

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my problem with prayer

it’s likely not surprising to anyone that my questions - and, ok, cynicism - in regards to religion extends to prayer. i’m not happy that this cynicism is part of my life, but i feel these are things i have to own, so I can work through them. for what it’s worth, i’m MUCH more upset with the idea of westernized, organized religion as i know it, than I am with the simple act of faith. and - for what it’s worth - i actually tone down the bitter on this blog. hard to believe, i know ;-)

i have had a problem with prayer for a long time and it has a little something to do with what i call the “god genie.” we pray to god to cure someone’s illness, to give us safe travels, to help us get good grades, to grant us the money to make rent (ok, so i actually have prayed that last one …). when it happens we get all fired up about what god can do. if it DOESN’T work out the way we want, chances are we never really mention it again. my problem with this ever-present scenario is two-fold:

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