it takes a village to raise a child
my village was evangelicalism.
let me preface this all by saying: i am grateful (for the most part) for the way i was raised - because what i’m about to write might sound like i’m trying to imply the opposite. i’m not. just because i question and denounce parts of my upbringing doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate it. it means that i - like so many - am a part (or was a part? i’m not sure yet …) of a culture i have some serious issues with.
over the course of my life, i’ve noticed that most kids raised similarly to how i was tend to fall into three camps. the first are those who either accept what they’ve been taught at face value, or come to a place of acceptance. the second group denounces the religion of their childhood altogether, or becomes ambivalent. and then there are the rest of us, the little village children of a certain type of christianity, walking the fringes as we wrestle with what we consider to be inconsistencies, hypocrisy, and sometimes downright lies.
this is an interesting place to be. fortunately, my family belonged to the subsection of this faith that put an extremely high valuation on education, enlightenment, soul-searching and self-betterment (of course, this also had its inconsistencies, but i can write more on that later …). as i’ve grown up, i’ve realized that some people (although i doubt many would admit this out loud) are actually afraid of what might happen to their faith at the hands of education and introspection, so for my cerebral parents, i’m extremely appreciative.
but let’s face it: parents may say they want their kids to search things out for themselves and determine on their own what they believe to be true, but it’s my guess that most hope their kids will end up right back where they began. and when all your (in my case) parentally-sponsored education, soul-searching and introspection lead you to the outskirts of the village, it can be difficult. i love staying in open dialogue about these things with my family and i appreciate that they’re willing to engage in my questions, hypothesis, and honesty that some would find alarming - if not downright heretical. but in some ways it would be “easier” for everyone if we all just thought alike.
even as someone lucky enough to have a community that supports me in my quest for truth, it can be lonely and wearisome out here on the fringe. i am passionate about my faith, but i am passionate about the fact that (as my hero, brian mclaren stated) everything.must.change. and i’ve noticed that sometimes people have a hard time seeing through this second fact to the first fact.
but as far as i can tell, i have no other option. i recently went on a monastic retreat (much more on that later!) where one of the things i examined about myself was the wilingness and fervor with which i dissect and try to intellectually analyze faith, contrasted with the near-complete inability to experience faith on an emotional level. in fact, i’m quite cynical and even suspicious about aspects of faith that hinge on emotionality. when i discussed this with ryan when he picked me up he asked, “but do you WANT your faith to be emotional?” the answer to this is: not really.
so in many ways, i realize i have exiled MYSELF to the edge of the village. by trying to build my exploration of the spiritual realm on research and education, there are certain parts of the faith of my youth that i can no longer understand and accept. some of these things i’ve systematically purged from my religious experience, and others may show up again if i come to terms with them later down the road. this road may lead me back toward my village … or it may lead away from it altogether. i am open to both options.
August 20 2009 02:26 pm | career and religion
August 20th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I think that there can be a fourth group. A group that thankfully takes only the best and the truest from thier upbringing, with eyes wide open to the hypocricy and lies of mainstream Christianity and forges forward with hearts that seek truth and runs toward Jesus falling in love with him more everyday and throwing off the shackles of any villages (not that there aren’t those who come run along beside us). Hebrews 13 says to “go forth therefore unto him without the camp, bearing his reproach.” When you mention about faith being based on emotion or “feeling” faith, I am reminded of a verse that talks about being instant in and out of season. Just because we don’t always “feel” doesn’t mean that we can’t be faithful. Just because our minds are functional doesn’t mean that we must aschew our trust in God Almighty. Sometimes it is emotional. and sometimes it is just more emotional for different people. I know lots of people who often cry when they are praying, esp in chuch. I don’t. I will cry if I am angry at my husband, though. Emotions are not very reliable.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
i would venture to say that such a fourth group would be a subsection of my third group … and the village is my metaphor for certain types of faith - but these points are really just semantics
i’ve gotten some response from this post to the idea of emotionality in faith. i don’t mean that emotionality is *inherently* bad - although there are no doubt people who take it to extremes, just as there are people who take intellect to extremes. but it’s not something i’m really comfortable with it at this point in my faith. (for a whole HOST of reasons i won’t get into now!) what i was struggling with this past weekend was the fact that i have a hard time moving my intellectual pursuits to a more personal and emotional level. but when it comes down to it, that’s not the type of faith that i want at this point, and i feel like i need to move through the fringes of my village in order to perhaps move to a place where a search for intellectualism exists within a search for something more personal and tangible.
(thanks for posting on the blog - haha!)
August 21st, 2009 at 6:04 am
So, it’s kinda like praying that God would help you change your heart so that you would want to pray for someone. Or in your case, praying to have your heart opened along the journey to a point that you COULD desire what Kevin called a “holistic” relationship. You don’t want that now, but you maybe want to want it.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:04 am
i suppose
… i’m not really sure WHAT i want. but i’m ok with that for now …