when do things get easier?
i wondered something as i was jumping out of a near-moving vehicle this morning: do things ever get any easier?
ryan and i were, by my estimation, going to be late to church. again. yes, it was probably only going to be by a couple minutes but i get bent out of shape about things like this. knowing that about myself, i had tried to get everything squared away last night by having a conversation about what service we would go to and when we would leave. we fight virtually every sunday morning because we are always running a little late - as far as i’m concerned - and “pretty much on time” - as far as ryan is concerned. i like to stick to the plan come hell or high water and ryan is a little more flexible when things he deems more important come into the picture. as they did this morning.
as we were arguing about how late we were going to be (leaving ten minutes after the scheduled departure time), arguing about who was going to drive since we didn’t have time to walk (we flipped for it and ryan lost) and arguing about what is or isn’t important enough to warrant tardiness, i realized that i was tired of going to church angry and that we weren’t going to resolve anything in the few blocks remaining between us and church. so with the car barely stopped at a light, i got out.
if that sounds like something an immature teen does to her parents, you’re right. if it sounds like a disagreement that should be easy to resolve, you’re right. if it sounds like something that happens relatively often in our relationship, you’re also right - and you must know us pretty well.
i often think that after nearly six years of marriage, and a total of eight-and-a-half years together we would be beyond this. things would’ve gotten easier. i wouldn’t be getting angry enough to get out of a car on a sunday morning in pure, seething rage. but the fact is it’s not easier and i still get so angry i can barely see straight. but i’m not sure that’s going to change - and i think i might be ok with that.
over the years we’ve learned a lot about how to make things work for us, and part of that involves arguing better. not bickering, not nagging, but actual arguing. you can call it “heated discussions” if that makes it better. it might sound ridiculous but we both love to argue and so we’ve figured out the best way to do it so it’s not personal, not taken personally, resolved quickly and ends productively. of course this doesn’t always happen, as my jumping out of the car escapade illustrates.
but here’s the thing - years ago when we were first married and really struggling someone told me to just be patient, things would get better, and over time they’d become more “comfortable.” this scared me. i didn’t want things to be comfortable - “comfortable” was synonymous with “boring” in my book. we definitely have a BETTER relationship than we did six or eight years ago (thanks in part to a great therapist!), but i wouldn’t say it’s EASIER and definitely not COMFORTABLE in a lot of ways. so to a certain extent i already know the answer to my question, and i’ve chosen the more difficult path entirely of my own accord.
because when it comes right down to it, i would probably worry if we lost the will to argue. if aspects in our relationship weren’t important enough to get upset about any more, that might be a bad sign for us. so - strange as it may sound - i think our best bet is to continue to perfect our arguing technique, and just try to keep jumping out of cars to a minimum!
September 27 2009 09:39 am | marriage
September 27th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I have jumped out of the car. and left. literally 10 miles from home. I have seen doors slam. I have removed the keys from a moving (slowly) car. I have had a DVD player thrown to the ground in front of me. I could go on. It has gotten better (though that keys one was fairly recent), but certainly NOT EASIER! And kids do not help. Well, they kinda help and they kinda don’t. It’s tricky, I suppose.
Passion tends to work both ways, for good and for bad. Strong emotions often make staying together the best thing in the world and sometimes the worst thing in the world.
I have friends who have been married as long as we have who almost never fight. It makes me think that their lives must be terribly boring if they don’t care enough to fight, or if they managed to marry someone who doesn’t challenge them enough to bring out the worst in them along with the best.
I gotta say, it is good to know that I am not alone.
September 27th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
it’s always good to hear i’m not alone and to let people know they’re not alone either! i have a list of crazy, too, which involves throwing things, gunning the car toward ryan (he claims i was trying to run him over, but i really wasn’t), walking out on him in foreign countries, etc. we are so dysfunctional at time i cannot imagine adding kids to the mix!
i think you put it well when you said having a relationship like this is enough of a challenge to bring out the best AND the worst. i definitely need to be challenged which is i why i know, in reality, any less volatility would be boring to me!
February 8th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
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