the church of the lowest common denominator
when in the throws of disappointment with the traditional way of “doing church” i’m led to believe that there are two probable outcomes from my discontentedness with organized religion:
1. i get tired of “faking it till i make it” and give up on the idea of church altogether. convinced that there is no better option and unwilling to let myself be dumbed down indefinitely, i simply refuse to take part in the machine any more
2. another type of giving up, i cease to ask the deep questions. convinced that these questions can’t be answered in a church setting, i resign myself to a traditional religious experience of singing, sermon, tithing, praying. wash, rinse, repeat.
both these options frighten me to the core of my spirituality - the second perhaps a bit more than the first. i do not want to be a “good little christian” or a “nice” girl.” i do not want to toe the line. i have no desire to perpetuate the status quo - especially in light of any family i may one day have. i shudder to think of what i might pass down to future generations if i let either of these scenarios become a reality.
the problem is - one i’ve stated on here before - i need more. i need more than platitudes and the emotionality of praise songs. i want to take my faith out, examine it in light of data and science, poke holes in it, address the holes, delve into doctrine, explore theology - and i want to do this in a place where other people want to do it, too. i grew up in the church and in christian school. i went to a christian university and have a minor in biblical studies. i’ve sat through hermeneutics, systematic theology, inductive bible study, post-modern seminar. i know far less than many, but i know JUST enough to know i have SO MUCH more to learn and dissect. but i know too much to be placated with a few “jesus loves me’s.”
but does an environment like this exist in a church setting? can it? are mainstream churches too busy trying to cater to a spectrum of needs that things end up getting watered down? is there any way around this? should i save the big life questions for my own personal time or a small group setting? perhaps if i had another outlet (besides my blog …), i wouldn’t feel the need to impose my theological issues on the church as a whole, but - aside from a few conversations here and there - i haven’t had a venue for a theological thought process since college. and that’s a time period fading into the past more quickly than i’d like to talk about …
the truth is, i don’t really know what i’m looking for - which makes finding it that much more difficult. what i DO know is - i don’t have it, and the disconnect makes me feel like i’m walking around with my skin all turned inside out. i’m uncomfortable and discontent and i feel - at best - like i’m struggling through it all alone.
at worst, i’m accused of being faithless or heretical.
while on the surface these accusations put a fire in my belly as i set my intention ever stronger on my path of discovery, on the inside i want to give up, curl up and cry. it’s a lonely enough path without people who are supposed to be on my “team” questioning what’s at the very core of who i am. but then again, it’s sometimes this questioning that drives me to believe even more deeply there must be a better way.
and i know i can’t be completely alone. many people i talk to about these issues agree with me. i’ve read books and books on the subject - and best selling books at that! - which leads me conclude there are people out there who share my baggage. i am fortunate enough to have found some of them in my current church setting - people like me who have vast experience with the church. people who also have been wounded by religion and its proselytizers. people who need god to be bigger than the box he’s often crammed in so we can answer our daunting questions. so i know there’s hope for my journey yet.
and still i feel dissatisfied. i want my faith to be radical - and oftentimes instead i feel like i’m trying to gain my footing on a sheer, icy side of a cliff. in the show. but perhaps what it means to be radical, by definition, is to feel out of place. to deliberately hold a place on that icy cliff rather than back down and seek to “fit in.”
guess i better get some better shoes - looks like it’s going to be a loooong winter.
October 21 2009 03:50 pm | religion
October 21st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I am having a lot of those same issues, and I continue to wonder (and feel guilty) that it stems from my lack of prayer life. The fact that I only spend a few sporadic moments at worst and thirty minutes at best reading and praying during the day. Does my lack of external satisfaction simply point me to the internal wall that I seem to have put up? I feel as though I am seeking and do not find, but then I wonder if I am seeking in all the wrong places. I feel like a mentor is needed to shed light on these issues, to teach us how to pray and how to push though and not turn into a christian that just says and does all the “right” things. Where are the men and women our parents age? I feel like we need someone to invest in us as adults seeking God. As well as continuing to have these conversations with our peers. If the thoughts change in the people we go to church with, then the church will change.
October 21st, 2009 at 5:20 pm
have you considered starting a small group? (not that I think this is the “cure all” by any stretch of the imagination) maybe some other similarly minded people from your church would be open to having a place where they can discuss, question, investigate their theological wonderings.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:12 am
for the internal factor i too wonder if *i’m* the one that needs to change. but as i mention in my post, that thought scares me. i don’t want to change into a person i don’t want to become, and i don’t want to become someone who just lets the issues i have with church, religion, etc slide. i’ve met far too many people who prefer to just turn a blind eye to questions - hell, even REALITY sometimes! - than to examine their set way of doing things. it’s like they’re afraid of what they’ll find - in which case i wonder how strong a belief system/religion/faith is if people are worried it won’t stand up to questioning.
from the external/community factor, the more i write, read, and talk to people about these issues, the more i realize i’m NOT alone. but i think translating these things into action is easier said than done. i would love to talk about gay marriage, environmentalism, sustainability, community, science, feminism etc in a church setting - where we can look at facts, theology and doctrine as opposed to just being a bunch of friends throwing opinions around - but i’m not sure how that would exactly play out. a lot of christians i know shy away from these topics like they’re afraid they’ll offend someone or something. the problem for me is - i’m going to investigate faith and religion one way or another. i can do it on my own, cobbling things together as i find them and researching as much as i can. or i can do it with the support and help of a christian community.
October 24th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Alexis,
As always, it is fun to read you impassioned writing. Your vigor and dedication are to be commended.
However, I need some help with your writing style. You alternate between hunting with a howitzer and a microscopic laser and I am not sure it is always a fair fight for those you target.
When you talk about “the church”, “faking it till you make it” attitudes and “organized religion”, what are you talking about? Lighthouse, Cornerstone, Biola, the Vatican, Scientology, Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence?
And, once you explain “who”, what did they do or ask of you that lead to this discontentedness? You are hucking some pretty large rocks at a fairly ambiguous target, “the church”.
I am guessing Clyde at Biola doesn’t want to be lumped in with Dr. Jeff or Pastor Terry if all they are doing is beating their parishioners in to being “nice, good little christians”.
I say all of this with a smile. I very much appreciate you sharing your thoughts and troubles (and hopefully successes). However, I am not a fan of hyperbole whether it is coming from the President (Dem or Rep), Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olberman, or well meaning bloggers.
Finally, if you are comfortable sharing, I’d be curious to hear more about your relationship with Christ. Whether intentional or not, I noticed you didn’t give any description of your relationship with God, prayer, etc. What is the scoop?
Your academic accomplishments and post graduate intellectual appetite are super impressive. I honestly had to look up what “hermeneutics, systematic theology, inductive bible study, post-modern seminar” meant. I am still not sure I understand what they all are. =)
Aside from hyperbole, things that are overly complicated bug me. Any chance too much hermeneutics or (insert some other 50 cent word) could be adding to and not reducing your troubles?
Would love to get your thoughts. Your blog is quite entertaining and thought provoking. I hope you keep it up.
Hope Bailey learned her lesson about wandering off.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:40 am
thanks for your questions - it’s good for me to be asked to think through some of these things. when i write (as you can probably tell …) it’s more of a stream of consciousness thing and once i get an idea in my head, i run with it! let me try and tackle some of these issues here. (and fwiw - i had to look up “howitzer”!)
when i talk about “the church” and “organized religion” i think i’m talking about the overall impression i have of faith and religion from a life spent in the church. it’s not any ONE church or school, because i went to quite a few - although there are a couple i could point to which whom i have serious bones to pick! and i know probably none of the pastors, professors, leaders i’ve ever had in my life would point-blank encourage some of the impressions that i feel have emerged from my upbringing (the “fake it till you make it,” surface-y type stuff). but you don’t need to be entrenched in this lifestyle to know these things are going on.
part of the reason i love lighthouse is because there are plenty of people who realize the above-mentioned problems are happening ~ we’re not sure what to do about it, but we’re dissecting some of the problems i mentioned in my post and trying to come up with viable solutions. one of my friends described it as - a place for people who’ve been hurt by the church and need somewhere that understands their baggage.
ok, so yes these are BROAD brush strokes. i didn’t go into super-specific detail because, honestly, it’s hard for me to hit the nail on the head and really encapsulate the specifics of what bother me and crystalize a perfect solution. it’s, again, more of a culmination of 26 years spent experiencing inconsistencies, hypocrisy, vitriol, extreme judgment (and much more) at the hands of the church and its members. to name a few: strict dress codes. being preached at concerning “the world, the flesh, and the devil.” being told god calls everyone first to ministry. being subjected to mis-interpreted scripture. having my faith questioned because of how i dress, where i live, what i read, doctrines i’ve questioned, how i vote, conclusions i’ve come to, etc.. focus on the family. the new life church pastor being forced into “straight camp” when people found out he was gay. a near-abhorrence for science. a fear of knowledge. a near-hatred toward the earth and any environmental action. the “republican-ization” of christianity. the religious right. a “black and white” view that doesn’t allow for any grey areas. a lack of relevance to our communities.
i could literally go on and on - two and a half decades of this has given me plenty of fuel for the fire ~ but you’re right, i do tend toward hyperbole at times.
by listing my educational experience i’m not trying at all to make myself sound oh-so-awesome, or anything. one thing this education has taught me is how much i DON’T know! (isn’t that the way it goes…) and now, for better or for worse, i have a hard time accepting things on face value. i’m not sure what i believe about prayer. i can’t just read through the bible without attempting to get relatively in-depth. i tend to question things a lot, and read a lot of books by people with similar questions. there are those who devalue education because of a fear of all the things i just mentioned - but i should also clarify that much of my skepticism didn’t arise with more knowledge and research, but because of bad experiences i’ve had with religion (again, broad - but you can check out my “problem with prayer” post for further clarification =).
i strongly do NOT believe that hermeneutics et al is adding to my troubles in the sense that i should just give it up, stop asking questions and toe the line (one of the two fears mentioned in my post). of course it’s throwing a wrench in the way i’ve seen the bible interpreted and religion lived out in my life, but that’s what it’s SUPPOSED to do. all these philosophical and theological tools are intended for a better understanding of what the bible, faith, spirituality is really all about. if i genuinely believe the bible is true, it has to hold up to questioning and investigation - otherwise, why bother??
to this end, i tend to fall into a diestic belief that “religious truth in general can be determined using reason and observation of the natural world.” i cannot believe that a god who knows more about science, philosophy, religion, and everything else than i EVER could, would make a universe where things would not stand up to investigation. i believe god is a god of reason, and to quell my questions and dissension would actually be doing a disservice to the person he made me to be.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:36 am
daphne - for some reason your comment got stuck in my spam filter! i have been involved in several small groups over the years, but none of which really went beyond “what does this verse mean to you” which i quickly get burnt out on. i have discussed with my pastor starting some sort of “hot button issues discussion group” - as i know the church at large, and even certain bible studies, aren’t necessarily the forum for discussing gay marriage, environmentalism, missional living, the “emergent” church, and other things that interest me. we did delve into feminism/women in the church in one recent bible study and i wanted to dance on the tables i was so happy!!