i want what you want for yourself
one of my clients is a relationship author and expert and as part of her marriage vows, she and her husband told eachother: “i want for you what you want for yourself.” these are great words of support and they were my ideal of a reciprocal relationship before i’d even heard it encapsulated by this phrase. for as long as i can remember i’ve expected a relationship that was an equal partnership, where i had my dreams and goals completely supported and endorsed by the person i loved - and vice versa of course - no matter how crazy, lofty or pie-in-the-sky they might seem. sounds great, right? i doubt many people wouldn’t want that.
so - when it comes right down to it - why are so many of us held back by the people who are supposed to care about us the most?
because, as with so many aspects in a relationship, things tend to play out a lot differently when the rubber meets the road. actually acting on the idea that “i support you 110%, no matter what you decide to do” is a lot more challenging than simply being happy when something good happens to your significant other ~ likely because:
1. it requires incredible trust. aside from the fact that it it can be scary to open up to someone about your life desires, being able to tell someone “i want you to be happy in doing whatever you want to do” means that you trust them to NOT do something that would affect your life in a largely adverse way - like spend your life savings! - before consulting you. which brings me to my next point.
2. it requires ridiculously open communication. i’ve had some variation of the “i think we need to spend our life savings” conversation. and it didn’t happen in a safe, healthy way without the foundation of honest communication being pointedly cultivated in our relationship - we weren’t always good at it, in fact, early on, we REALLY sucked. i lived through years feeling like i couldn’t tell ryan what was really going on with me, and to say that it was miserable would be an understatement. the carnage that ensued to break through that barrier wasn’t pretty (maybe one day i’ll edit/finish/publish the book i’ve written about it), but having broken through it, i know i never want to go back. i will always be able to bare my soul because in rebuilding our relationship, honesty has come to prove one of our firm foundations. which leads me to point three:
3. it requires creating a safe space to hold the truth. all this talk of open communication is pretty worthless if you’re afraid of the truth. if you’re afraid of what you might find when you - or your significant other - reveals what you/they really want out of life, chances are, truth has not been a friend in your relationship. and this goes back to point number one. being able to trust your partner with the truth - about goals, fears, ambition, lack of ambition, the past, the future, whatever - is a crucial building block in truly being able to say that you each want what the other wants for themselves.
ryan and i had a lengthy *theoretical* discussion a few weeks ago about what the best way might be to tell the other person, if it came to a point where an affair <or insert some other heinous relationship-killer here> was being considered. that’s right - i WANT to know if things have broken down so badly that the worst could happen, and i want to know i have a safe place to share if i’m the one who’s upset and discontent. of course, all the steps outlined above would hopefully prevent things from escalating that far, but if i say i want the truth, i better be willing to take - and tell - the good with the bad. which is why there will ALWAYS be a place for the truth - whatever it is - in our relationship.
4. it requires flexibility and understanding - from an emotional, financial, logistical perspective. and i’m sure you could add in quite a few more adjectives to the preceding sentence, too. point is, wanting for your partner what they want for themselves means - on some level - you are subjected to their whims, ideas and flights of fancy.
some people are more whimsical and fanciful than others, but i for one could write a nearly never-ending list of the hair-brained ideas i’ve come up with over the years: quit my job and travel, start a consulting company, start a dog clothing company, get my master’s in social work, get my master’s in public policy, facilitate a network of in-home yoga classes, get dogs, move to hong kong, move to thailand … and so on. some of these have come to fruition, some haven’t, and some are still a work in progress. because we’ve CREATED (it didn’t happen by accident) a relationship where the deepest desires of your heart are encouraged (while making sure there are at least a minimum amount of ducks in a row), i’m free to live the life i want for myself.
and it’s a two-way street, and i’ve had many lessons in learning to want things for someone else. ryan’s list has included, but is not limited to: finishing college in 18 months, buying an investment property at the age of 21. and then another. and another. quitting his job to travel. launching a startup. committing to the startup full time. and so forth.
because we both have some crazy ideas of how we want our lives to play out, we may have more extreme examples than most. and to be honest, some things have taken time for me to get my head around, and i haven’t been completely supportive from the get-go. but i want to live in a relationship that can accommodate whatever dream, idea or truth is thrown into it ~ even it takes a few minutes - or years - to sort it all out.
November 18 2009 08:16 am | marriage