September 22nd, 2011 -- Posted in family, marriage, soapbox |
Really? I doubt it.
You’ve seen it - blog posts, status updates, even wedding invitations professing that the person is marrying/has married/will marry their best friend. But I highly doubt it. Yes there are exceptions - people who develop a deep friendship first (with no ulterior motives); couples whose love grows from a platonic relationship and blossoms into romance. That’s impressive. And sweet. I’m not completely devoid of emotion - even I (and my Grinch-sized heart) can admit that. But I think what happens to most people is actually the opposite of best-friends-to-lovers: they are attracted to someone or come romantically involved, develop a relationship and realize they’re closer to that person than to anyone else in their life. That’s good. That’s probably what should happen.
But I would never refer to my husband as my “best friend.”
I have a handful of best friends, even a couple male best friends, but I didn’t marry any of them. I married Ryan. Just like I have a different type of relationship with each of my best friends, so too do I have a different type of relationship with Ryan. None are better or superior; just different. Of course - if it came down to it - I would prioritize my relationship with my husband over my friendships, but that doesn’t make him my best friend.
I think I understand what people are trying to get at when they refer to their spouse in this way - that their relationship is deeper and more significant than any other. But I don’t think that really does a thriving marriage relationship justice at all. I’m absolutely not one of those soul mate-y type people but a good spousal relationship should have an intimacy - and no, I don’t just mean sexually - that a friendship doesn’t have. There should be a vulnerability, a level of communication, a degree of understanding there that even a best friendship doesn’t transcend.
That’s not to denigrate the role of friendship or say it is in any way inferior to marriage. On the contrary, I think healthy friendships outside of your relationship with your spouse are vital to any successful marriage. I need the aspects of my friendships that speak to me in ways my marriage doesn’t. I need to draw on the history I have with my high school BFF; I need to work through what it means to be an independent wife and woman with someone who fundamentally gets where I’m coming from; I need to relive my college glory days with the person who was there through the thick and thin of it. And so forth.
Conversely, that’s not to denigrate the role of my marriage in my development as a person. Rather, it’s important to acknowledge that we are dynamic, multi-faceted beings that gather fulfillment and nourishment from a variety of channels. To put that all on the shoulders of one person is an assurance that those shoulders will eventually falter.
And that’s why Ryan is not my best friend; and I am not his.
September 14th, 2011 -- Posted in family, the future |
Having a series of badly-behaved doggy children has prepared me for potential parenthood in a way I didn’t realize until recently. Not in the typical “learn-to-love-something-and-keep-it-alive” way that most people expect from dog caregiving (though yes, yes, it’s done that too). But rather because I.don’t.give.a.shit.
Yes, I hear the snide comments when my dog won’t stop baying; I see the judging looks when I tell people Bianca isn’t very friendly; I watch people’s confusion when I feed her from a jar of baby food. And I let it roll right over me because I’ve got a hot mess of a canine creature to attend to, and I could care less if you think I’m a bad doggy parent.
Because here’s the thing - I’m not a lax doggy parent and I’m doing my absolute best and then some, to make my dog owning experience happy and peaceable for all involved. I know my dogs have had issues - I’ve worked with trainers, sent them to camps, slowly socialized them, tried - and continue to try - all the tricks in the book. With every dog I’ve had, I’ve wanted them to be happy, well-adjusted animals and I’ve done everything in my power and worked my hardest with them to attempt to make that a reality. Sometimes things just don’t quite work out perfectly.
But I’ll continue to do it, no matter what snorts of derision I get from old men in elevators. And I’m sure when the time comes, people will judge me for my parenting skills, or complete lack thereof - but I won’t notice. I’ve been training to ignore their judgment my entire adult, dog-owning life.
Only not really
Ryan and I have always kind of done our own thing. We’ve never really kept the same schedule so we go to bed and get up at different times. We make our own plans, cook our own food, eat at different times, do our own grocery shopping, wash our own laundry, divide up the chores and spend equal time taking on doggie duty. There have been periods of time when one of us was busier and the other picked up slack accordingly, and there have been times when both of us were so swamped we hired people to help us accordingly - housekeepers, doggie day care, etc.