alexis in the city

What am I Doing That’s Unreasonable?

Since I’m perfect, it’s really irksome to me when I see people making unreasonable decisions - based on emotions, selfishness, impatience, instead of reason, facts and rationality - that are going to screw up their lives (I’m also clairvoyant).

Of course I’m kidding. I’ve made some pretty unreasonable decisions over the course of my life. Maybe this is why when I see people doing the same I want to jump into their lives and press the “pause” button. I’ve been lucky in that my ill-advised choices haven’t caused long-term dysfunction or narrowed my options in any extreme way. The most “unreasonable” choice I always point to was getting married too young - that one took the longest to bounce back from (two years and a well-qualified therapist) - but there have been others: Ryan and I becoming self-employed within a week of eachother; getting two dogs; moving to SF with no apartment and no jobs.

I’m not at all risk-averse and wouldn’t necessarily lump “risky” in with “unreasonable” but it’s knowing the difference that has recently given me pause to think. We’ve made a lot of risky decisions too: buying investment properties; traveling Asia; moving to Portland for Ryan’s startup. And while these things haven’t always worked out incredibly smoothly, I would say the difference is a). they didn’t/don’t have the potential to wreak real havoc on our lives; b). if there were/are hiccups, we’re equipped (financially, relationally, logistically) to handle them without severe detriment to our long-term goals; and c). if things go well they have the potential to actually bring us closer to our goals.

But how to know the difference? When I’ve made unreasonable choices in the past, of course I didn’t think they were ill-advised. Which is perhaps what’s so scary to me, and why I want to kick people when I see them making unreasonable mistakes: things like having kids on an unstable income; getting married without considering the implications; taking out loans; etc. When Ryan and I see people making decisions we question, it’s compelled us to look at our lives and ask - what’re we doing now that we’ll look back on later and deem was unreasonable?

I think the above criteria is a good place to start but it’s also hard to be objective when you might have to tell yourself “no” regarding something you really want. I had a big breakthrough this year when I decided to take time off from grad school. We could’ve finagled a solution that would’ve allowed Ryan to be in Portland for his startup and me to be in NYC for school but it just wouldn’t have made good sense and it ran the risk of significantly damaging our relationship and our finances. Since Ryan’s opportunity was time sensitive and mine wasn’t (I could defer for a year), I decided that waiting a year and saving ourselves from the potential fall out was well worth deferring my immediate wants.

I was pretty happy that I was able to remove myself from the situation enough to make a (relatively) objective decision and I hope this shows I’m not just getting more anal in my old age, but also a little wiser. In what areas have you been able to remove your blinders and start making reasonable choices?

Being Chivalrous

Ryan and I haven’t really done the airport pickup/dropoff in years. When we first moved to SF, we didn’t have a car so it was a moot point. Once we did get a car, street parking was such a hassle it was worth the cab fair not to lose our parking spot (plus we found the most amazing car service that made riding to the airport a joy).

But then I found myself having volunteered to pick Ryan up from the airport at 11:45pm - since the trains stop running at 11:49 (i know, i know, don’t get me started). I tried to back out of it when I realized how late he was getting in, and he half-heartedly volunteered to take a cab only after pointing out his willingness to do the same for me. So in a sense I was guilted in to the near-midnight pick-up.

But then I got to thinking - he’s right of course (shhh, don’t tell him I said that). He’s carted me around at all hours of the night. Picked me up in the pouring rain when I couldn’t get a cab home. Rented a car in the middle of the night and drove an hour to come get me from a bachelorette party I deemed too low-brow for my tastes. And of course these are only the driving-related instances.

Yet I realized I wasn’t holding myself to the same standard. I was subconsciously expecting him to do all those things out of chivalry (for lack of a better word) toward me without requiring the same of myself toward him. In short: if I was expecting chivalry, I wasn’t being very chivalrous in return.

I’m not one of those people who gets mad at a guy for holding the door, but I’m also not a fan of the notion of chivalry. What I DO support is mutual respect, doing unto others, and all that good stuff. Ryan and I have even had lengthy conversations on this topic, yet here I was with this unexamined double standard waiting to rear its head at 11:45 on a Sunday night.

So of course I went to the airport - yes, based on principle and logic … and also because this is the guy who drove 100 miles for me, round trip, at 1am because I was too snobby to endure an overnight bachelorette party.