alexis in the city

Sometimes giving sucks

I recently came across a post about how to model “giving back” for your kids (it was for work - I don’t just troll mommy blogs on my own). Which got me thinking about how important it is to embed these types of norms from an early age. I’ve written before about how I assumed certain things as a kid - like “everyone goes to college,” or “no one opens multiple (or even one!) credit card” - because they were certain issues that were foregone conclusions while I was growing up.

In some ways I admire this commitment to brainwashing - in many of these situations I didn’t even have a chance to make a bad decision because I had no idea there was a decision to be made. Granted, there was a balance - I never rarely felt controlled or manipulated. Looking back I see that I always got just enough rope to feel like I was roaming free, but not enough to hang myself. (Imagine my surprise as a freshman at a private college when I discovered - gasp! - some people were there of their own intent and not via a road that had been paved with mom and dad’s intentions. But that’s really quite another story.)

continue reading »

I promise to never …

After spending hours researching parenting and mommy blogs for work, I’ve become convinced that far too many people apparently lose their mind while pregnant or after becoming parents. What else could inspire things like babymoons and push presents? I’ve always just assumed I was one of the sane ones and would remain so should I ever have children or become pregnant, but I see now that everyone must think that. As a favor to future me (and to any kids future-me might have), here is a list of things I won’t do as a parent of a small child:

continue reading »

I Did Not Marry my Best Friend

Really? I doubt it.

You’ve seen it - blog posts, status updates, even wedding invitations professing that the person is marrying/has married/will marry their best friend. But I highly doubt it. Yes there are exceptions - people who develop a deep friendship first (with no ulterior motives); couples whose love grows from a platonic relationship and blossoms into romance. That’s impressive. And sweet. I’m not completely devoid of emotion - even I (and my Grinch-sized heart) can admit that. But I think what happens to most people is actually the opposite of best-friends-to-lovers: they are attracted to someone or come romantically involved, develop a relationship and realize they’re closer to that person than to anyone else in their life. That’s good. That’s probably what should happen.

But I would never refer to my husband as my “best friend.”

I have a handful of best friends, even a couple male best friends, but I didn’t marry any of them. I married Ryan. Just like I have a different type of relationship with each of my best friends, so too do I have a different type of relationship with Ryan. None are better or superior; just different. Of course - if it came down to it - I would prioritize my relationship with my husband over my friendships, but that doesn’t make him my best friend.

I think I understand what people are trying to get at when they refer to their spouse in this way - that their relationship is deeper and more significant than any other. But I don’t think that really does a thriving marriage relationship justice at all. I’m absolutely not one of those soul mate-y type people but a good spousal relationship should have an intimacy - and no, I don’t just mean sexually - that a friendship doesn’t have. There should be a vulnerability, a level of communication, a degree of understanding there that even a best friendship doesn’t transcend.

That’s not to denigrate the role of friendship or say it is in any way inferior to marriage. On the contrary, I think healthy friendships outside of your relationship with your spouse are vital to any successful marriage. I need the aspects of my friendships that speak to me in ways my marriage doesn’t. I need to draw on the history I have with my high school BFF; I need to work through what it means to be an independent wife and woman with someone who fundamentally gets where I’m coming from; I need to relive my college glory days with the person who was there through the thick and thin of it. And so forth.

Conversely, that’s not to denigrate the role of my marriage in my development as a person. Rather, it’s important to acknowledge that we are dynamic, multi-faceted beings that gather fulfillment and nourishment from a variety of channels. To put that all on the shoulders of one person is an assurance that those shoulders will eventually falter.

And that’s why Ryan is not my best friend; and I am not his.

Doggyhood and Parenthood

Having a series of badly-behaved doggy children has prepared me for potential parenthood in a way I didn’t realize until recently. Not in the typical “learn-to-love-something-and-keep-it-alive” way that most people expect from dog caregiving (though yes, yes, it’s done that too). But rather because I.don’t.give.a.shit.

Yes, I hear the snide comments when my dog won’t stop baying; I see the judging looks when I tell people Bianca isn’t very friendly; I watch people’s confusion when I feed her from a jar of baby food. And I let it roll right over me because I’ve got a hot mess of a canine creature to attend to, and I could care less if you think I’m a bad doggy parent.

Because here’s the thing - I’m not a lax doggy parent and I’m doing my absolute best and then some, to make my dog owning experience happy and peaceable for all involved. I know my dogs have had issues - I’ve worked with trainers, sent them to camps, slowly socialized them, tried - and continue to try - all the tricks in the book. With every dog I’ve had, I’ve wanted them to be happy, well-adjusted animals and I’ve done everything in my power and worked my hardest with them to attempt to make that a reality. Sometimes things just don’t quite work out perfectly.

But I’ll continue to do it, no matter what snorts of derision I get from old men in elevators. And I’m sure when the time comes, people will judge me for my parenting skills, or complete lack thereof - but I won’t notice. I’ve been training to ignore their judgment my entire adult, dog-owning life.

non-Absentee

(Two-star promotion, Yokota Air Base Japan, 2007)

Upon finding out I was raised military and had a dad who traveled a lot for his job, I recently had someone ask if it felt like I had an absentee father, to which I responded: not at all. Running the numbers in my head I’ve figured that my dad was probably gone around 30-40% of the time growing up. Sure, I remember it being “just us girls” a lot - like in the great hurricane of ‘95(ish), or the during the epic blizzard of ‘97(ish) - and I remember days or weeks going by not being sure if Dad was out of town or not; he worked long hours anyway, so it was sometimes hard to tell! Yes, there were some pretty significant differences - like the moving every two years, or the deployment of ‘01 - but overall I felt like my dad just had a job.

It was a job, a career, a lifestyle that he loved, but not a job that took him away from us, or a job that he in any way prioritized over his family. My dad’s passion for his work, and his prioritizing of family is one of the biggest “life lessons by osmosis” that he taught me. Through his example I saw that it was important - and also possible - to dedicate your life to something you love, both professionally and relationally.

I have no idea how he did it. But my childhood memories aren’t of dinners grabbed on the fly and eaten alone, or missed milestones or a lack of involvement. They’re memories of family meals, reading before bedtime, endless hours helping me with math homework, my parents cheering me at sporting events, dad coming home early to take pictures of me before prom. If anything, when it came to family activities, my parents could be accused of beating a dead horse - which is why I still hate bike rides and I’d rather gouge out my eyes than go camping. (But hey, they tried.:) )

I’m not at a phase in life where I’ve had to make tough prioritization choices yet, but when I am, I hope to find I’ve picked up some of that by osmosis, too.