alexis in the city

i want what you want for yourself

one of my clients is a relationship author and expert and as part of her marriage vows, she and her husband told eachother: “i want for you what you want for yourself.” these are great words of support and they were my ideal of a reciprocal relationship before i’d even heard it encapsulated by this phrase. for as long as i can remember i’ve expected a relationship that was an equal partnership, where i had my dreams and goals completely supported and endorsed by the person i loved - and vice versa of course - no matter how crazy, lofty or pie-in-the-sky they might seem. sounds great, right? i doubt many people wouldn’t want that.

so - when it comes right down to it - why are so many of us held back by the people who are supposed to care about us the most?

because, as with so many aspects in a relationship, things tend to play out a lot differently when the rubber meets the road. actually acting on the idea that “i support you 110%, no matter what you decide to do” is a lot more challenging than simply being happy when something good happens to your significant other ~ likely because:

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when do things get easier?

i wondered something as i was jumping out of a near-moving vehicle this morning: do things ever get any easier?

ryan and i were, by my estimation, going to be late to church. again. yes, it was probably only going to be by a couple minutes but i get bent out of shape about things like this. knowing that about myself, i had tried to get everything squared away last night by having a conversation about what service we would go to and when we would leave. we fight virtually every sunday morning because we are always running a little late - as far as i’m concerned - and “pretty much on time” - as far as ryan is concerned. i like to stick to the plan come hell or high water and ryan is a little more flexible when things he deems more important come into the picture. as they did this morning.

as we were arguing about how late we were going to be (leaving ten minutes after the scheduled departure time), arguing about who was going to drive since we didn’t have time to walk (we flipped for it and ryan lost) and arguing about what is or isn’t important enough to warrant tardiness, i realized that i was tired of going to church angry and that we weren’t going to resolve anything in the few blocks remaining between us and church. so with the car barely stopped at a light, i got out.

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couples who don’t do anything together … stay together?

every once in a while ryan and i have the “we should have a thing we do together” conversation. over the years we’ve gone through many ideas: sailing (too expensive to sustain for now), golfing (only affordable and convenient when done with my father), wine (we’re just REALLY not that into so why force it), cooking (BWAAAAAH HAHAHA), dodgeball (ryan did NOT think this was a great idea), tennis (we always come back to this one but have yet to do it), and many more. but in the end, the ideas always fizzle out. so what’s the deal? and do we HAVE to have a thing we do together?

many of our friends have couples activities they share - from hiking to taking classes to playing sports to even running businesses together (yikes!). i’m not saying we never do anything together, but we tend to live really separate lives and when we do hang out it’s definitely not to do some sort of structured activity. i’ve gone through periods of trying to come up with something we would enjoy, and - conversely - gone through periods where i figured if i have to TRY to think of something, that’s probably a sign that i’m forcing it.

we don’t even really share our own individual activities. when ryan goes to tech events - hell, even when he PRESENTED at one - he didn’t ask me to go and it didn’t cross my mind that he would want me to be there.  i spend a great deal of my free time on my Junior League committees, but when we have events and co-ed mixers i don’t expect him to be there. i would say that this is because we know eachother’s likes and dislikes and are just as happy (probably happier) doing our own thing, well, on our own.

and this brings me back to my initial question - should we have a “thing” we do together? even if we’re content to live our own separate lives, should we try to integrate more “couple-y” activities? should we come up with something just for the sake of trying something new, on the chance that we might like it? i tend to think that - although relationships should constantly be changing to accommodate the people in them - we’ve found something that works for us and we should just leave it at that.

then i think of my parents. they just celebrated their 30th anniversary. and i cannot for the life of my think of a “couple-y” activity they do together. they spend time together - reading the paper, going to starbucks,  traveling - but they really don’t have a “thing.” both of them are independent individuals outside of their marriage and i would say that makes their relationship even stronger. my mom doesn’t seem too concerned that my dad golfs with his friends, and my dad has probably come to terms with the fact that there will always be some sort of craft project underway in the house. and i really don’t think either of them is searching for that “perfect couples activity” they can do together.

and i’m betting if i asked them they’d tell me relationships are as unique as the people who are in them and i should find what works for me and not care about the standards set by other people. so i think that’s what i’ll stick with. unless, of course, i happe upon a tennis racket. in which case i SWEAR we’ll start playing …

What’s the deal with DOMA?

massachusetts filed a lawsuit wednesday against the federal government that calls into question the constitutionality of the defense of marriage act (DOMA).

i’ve tackled this subject before as i believe the federal government should leave itself out of the marriage thing altogether. in my version of an ideal world, there would be two different rules governing marriage - the legal side of things which would allow for equal treatment of all people (what we would now consider civil unions), and the religious side of things which would allow for what we now term “marriage.” however, this is not the way things are, nor do i think we’re heading in that direction so what should be done given the way things are now?

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i am more than an “s”

i hate that i’m a mrs. i don’t hate being married but i hate that who i am can be reduced to one tiny letter on the front of an envelope. let’s face it: “s” is the only thing differentiating me from ryan when we get things addressed to “mr and mrs ryan waggoner.”

i’m sure i’m over-reacting and i’m sure it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. a lot. it’s one more way that we conform to the constructs of a pre-feminist, patriarchial society without even realizing it. and - while i’d like to say my anger is directed toward the injustices revealed by this contruct and then subsequently enforced upon all women - (although that is the cause of some of my emotion), this is rooted in a far baser reaction: i am perturbed on a personal level.

let’s set aside the fact that i feel waaaaay too young for anyone to call me “mrs.” or the fact that i kept my original name. if we must do the mr. and mrs. thing and we must use only one last name, is it REALLY too much to ask to include MY name in there? i mean, i would be happy with a simple “mr and mrs ryan and alexis waggoner.” (see that - i don’t even care if ryan’s name is listed first. that much. although i think it should be alphabetical … but whatever.)

i know most people don’t even THINK about these kinds of things, so i don’t take it personally when i get something addressed to me as an “s.” i’m not frustrated with the person that sent it, i’m frustrated with the length of time it takes our habits and constructs as a society to be deconstructed and reconstructed differently and more effectively.