September 22nd, 2011 -- Posted in family, marriage, soapbox |
Really? I doubt it.
You’ve seen it - blog posts, status updates, even wedding invitations professing that the person is marrying/has married/will marry their best friend. But I highly doubt it. Yes there are exceptions - people who develop a deep friendship first (with no ulterior motives); couples whose love grows from a platonic relationship and blossoms into romance. That’s impressive. And sweet. I’m not completely devoid of emotion - even I (and my Grinch-sized heart) can admit that. But I think what happens to most people is actually the opposite of best-friends-to-lovers: they are attracted to someone or come romantically involved, develop a relationship and realize they’re closer to that person than to anyone else in their life. That’s good. That’s probably what should happen.
But I would never refer to my husband as my “best friend.”
I have a handful of best friends, even a couple male best friends, but I didn’t marry any of them. I married Ryan. Just like I have a different type of relationship with each of my best friends, so too do I have a different type of relationship with Ryan. None are better or superior; just different. Of course - if it came down to it - I would prioritize my relationship with my husband over my friendships, but that doesn’t make him my best friend.
I think I understand what people are trying to get at when they refer to their spouse in this way - that their relationship is deeper and more significant than any other. But I don’t think that really does a thriving marriage relationship justice at all. I’m absolutely not one of those soul mate-y type people but a good spousal relationship should have an intimacy - and no, I don’t just mean sexually - that a friendship doesn’t have. There should be a vulnerability, a level of communication, a degree of understanding there that even a best friendship doesn’t transcend.
That’s not to denigrate the role of friendship or say it is in any way inferior to marriage. On the contrary, I think healthy friendships outside of your relationship with your spouse are vital to any successful marriage. I need the aspects of my friendships that speak to me in ways my marriage doesn’t. I need to draw on the history I have with my high school BFF; I need to work through what it means to be an independent wife and woman with someone who fundamentally gets where I’m coming from; I need to relive my college glory days with the person who was there through the thick and thin of it. And so forth.
Conversely, that’s not to denigrate the role of my marriage in my development as a person. Rather, it’s important to acknowledge that we are dynamic, multi-faceted beings that gather fulfillment and nourishment from a variety of channels. To put that all on the shoulders of one person is an assurance that those shoulders will eventually falter.
And that’s why Ryan is not my best friend; and I am not his.
August 8th, 2011 -- Posted in marriage, san francisco, the city |
This is our old place, in San Francisco. What you can’t see is the second bedroom, aka Ryan’s office. An essential component of a happy, healthy relationship when both people work at home. We downsized when we moved to Portland, partly to save more money and partly because Ryan and Ben are going to be getting an office together to work on their startup. Until then, we’ve essentially downsized from a two-bedroom with lots of storage (two regular-sized closets, a coat closet and bathroom storage) to a one-bedroom with minimal storage (one regular-sized closet and one coat closet).
Oh, and there’s no dishwasher. (Cue weeping and gnashing of teeth.) If you’re so inclined, you can check out this totally professional-looking video I shot (HA) to see our new place.
February 8th, 2011 -- Posted in career, consulting, entrepreneurship, marriage, san francisco, the city |
When I was ten, I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up - and then proceeded to eventually do it. When I was 16, I picked out what college I wanted to go to - and by the time I was 17 I’d applied and been accepted. When I broke up with my highschool boyfriend (now a dear friend of mine) I vowed I wouldn’t go through that again - so the next guy I dated was the guy I married. Obviously not all of my plans and decisions have been wise, but throughout the course of my entire life - for as long as I can remember anyway - I’ve been a planner. And the things I’ve planned, the courses I’ve laid for myself, have been fulfilled with precision.
Which makes what I’m about to say even more surprising.
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August 3rd, 2010 -- Posted in family, marriage, san francisco, the city |
I thought I’d be a different person by now. When I think about myself as a kid and what I expected my life to be like as an adult, I guess I thought things would be … different. I didn’t have any sort of tangible, explainable idea of the exact life I would live, I never had 2.5-kids-white-picket-fence delusions of grandeur. And overall I think if my teenage self could’ve seen me now, she’d be pretty happy with where I’ve ended up so far.
And yet in the last few months I’ve been thinking a lot about how I just expect that one day I’ll wake up and be someone different - someone more adult, more mature. I still look at my friends who are a few years older than me and think - when I get to that point, I’ll totally have it all together. But I’ve been thinking that for years now and I have not managed to accumulate any sense of said “togetherness.” At lest I don’t feel like I have.
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May 8th, 2010 -- Posted in family, marriage, military, parents |
I wrote this note for a project my parents’ chaplain put together for military moms on Mother’s Day a few years ago. Since I hadn’t posted it on the blog, I thought now was an appropriate time to do so. Love you mom!
As an Air Force Brat, I grew up with a pretty privileged, sheltered life. Of course, I didn’t realize it then – and sometimes still forget how blessed I was, and am. It wasn’t till I went away to college that I began to uncover the idyllic tendencies of my upbringing.
It came as news to me that some people’s moms hadn’t always been there to answer the phone when they forgot their homework (and subsequently bring it to school for them). Or that most people’s days DIDN’T start with a home cooked breakfast and prayer before school – as they did for me – or get capped off with reading the classics (some of my favorite childhood memories). I also discovered that, post 1950’s, it wasn’t super-common for families to all sit down to dinner together – but we did, even if we had to wait till 8 pm, when dad got home from work.
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