Today is our anniversary. I almost forgot because we’ll be “celebrating” it by Ryan and his other incubator classmates pitching their startups, and then jetting off to Google. Last year we “celebrated” by me going on a business trip to NYC with the startup I worked for at the time. So you can kind of get an idea for what our lives revolve around.

I usually say we don’t celebrate our anniversary - it’s too close to Christmas and too mainstream (we celebrate the anniversary of our first date instead). And then Ryan says I’m a cold-hearted shrew (not in so many words) which is mostly true, and something I’m not really a little bit proud of. But when it comes to these sort of things I am sort of unemotional and unromantic or - to put it in one word - a man.

But it’s not at all that I don’t value Ryan or our relationship. I’ve written before how wedding vows are worthless, so in an effort to prove that I do, in fact, have more than a hole where my heart should be, I decided to jot down a few things I would say if I were re-writing my vows today.

* I will always laugh at your stupid jokes, in spite of myself and my better judgment, because they are so stupid and awesome.

* I will always say “that’s what she said.”

* I will never hang things on the doorknob unless I want to be buried by them in my sleep.

* I will create inside joke memes that end up getting mentioned in public conversation and rejoice at your (goodhearted) embarrassment.

* I will move your piles and messes only 8-12 hours after their creation to be sure I’m not disturbing a meticulously-placed eco-system.

* I will create a place for you to pursue your passions, callings, and dreams.

* I will never “let” you do anything - you are your own person and I trust you enough to say you can do whatever you want.

* I will revel in our new experiences - and only have mini-nervous breakdowns when the uncertainty becomes slightly overwhelming.

* I will embrace a life less ordinary - we ARE the little foxes, stooping, and building up with worn out tools.

* I will want for you what you want for yourself

I’ve known too many sad retired people, and a recent study shows that moms who work (outside the home) are happier than those who don’t - but I have a different reason for not wanting to retire: I really love to work. I discovered this as I wandered the country listlessly over Christmas break.

Ok, not really - we had a great time seeing family and friends in DC, Estes Park and Breckenridge. But there was an undertone of un-productivity winding throughout the week I took “off.”

I know you can successfully work from the road - I do it quite often when I travel and spent three months traveling Asia while working. And I also know that it’s crucial to take some downtime and relax. I was just thrilled at the end of that relaxation time to be able to start working again. By Monday afternoon both Ryan and I had said something along the lines of - “I really missed this!”

Sure, part of this simply has to do with craving routine, but it also has to do with the energy and fulfillment that comes with working toward something enjoyable and productive. I hope that one day (in the semi-near future?!) my work won’t have to be so closely tied to earned income and my career pursuits can exist independently of the necessity for a salary. So in a sense, yes, I want to retire.

But I know that I could never - as my sister says - “faff about.” I need a project; a goal; a full schedule. Because I am the girl who, when living in Italy for a year and unable to work, put in a nearly full-time schedule as a volunteer at the newspaper and radio station. I’ve had paying jobs where people haven’t shown up as much ;).

I’ve long said that my goal is to live with an open hand, but I realize I don’t do this very well. And when I DO do it, and the repercussions bum me out, I treat my giving like something with strings attached and not like a gift. So I’ve been trying to really tune into people’s needs and check in with my conscious before I move on - as far as I can tell that’s the best I can do.

Sure, I look for ways to give - both of my time and money - through organizations I trust and people I know. But I haven’t quite figured out how to deal gracefully and open-handedly with the one-off situations that bombard you on a practical level when you live downtown in a (semi) big city. On the one hand, I figure that it’s up to the person to do with my resources what they say they will.

On the other hand - I have to pay rent.

There will always be someone that needs something - and there will always be more worthy causes than I can support, let alone random people on the street that I may or may not be able to help. I have to be wise with my resources as well - you can go broke doing good deeds and then what good would that really do? Sure, that’s an extreme scenario but it’s a logical conclusion.

I tend to believe in a more pragmatic approach to helping people - teaching them a skill, or giving something specific I know they truly need. So does this mean I should curtail my open handedness at this point? I’ve personally seen unbridled giving do more harm than good and I don’t want to contribute to that either.

I suppose for now the easy answer is to just not carry much cash …

I recently came across a post about how to model “giving back” for your kids (it was for work - I don’t just troll mommy blogs on my own). Which got me thinking about how important it is to embed these types of norms from an early age. I’ve written before about how I assumed certain things as a kid - like “everyone goes to college,” or “no one opens multiple (or even one!) credit card” - because they were certain issues that were foregone conclusions while I was growing up.

In some ways I admire this commitment to brainwashing - in many of these situations I didn’t even have a chance to make a bad decision because I had no idea there was a decision to be made. Granted, there was a balance - I never rarely felt controlled or manipulated. Looking back I see that I always got just enough rope to feel like I was roaming free, but not enough to hang myself. (Imagine my surprise as a freshman at a private college when I discovered - gasp! - some people were there of their own intent and not via a road that had been paved with mom and dad’s intentions. But that’s really quite another story.)

So back to giving back. One of my earliest memories - I must have been about six - is of me and my sister counting our “allowance.” At that age we each got a dime - for doing what, I’m not sure. We were allowed to keep eight cents, but a penny went to saving and a penny went to “giving back.” (Being good li’l evangelicals we called it “tithe,” but the idea was the same.) The idea carried through, all the way until I was a senior in high school making a $20-per-week allowance.

And it wasn’t just about money. My mom was one of those people (and still is) who can burn herself out by giving back (so there’s the opposite end of the spectrum, too). Homemade goodies, handmade gifts, leading Bible study, teaching Sunday school, volunteering as a dance instructor, tutoring inner-city kids, reading for blind people. I.AM.NOT.KIDDING.

When I type it out like this it sounds a little crazy (and she and my dad both kind of are) but it explains how they really removed the decision-making process for me when it came to “deciding” to give back. Just as they modeled this generosity for me, I’ve tried to model my life after theirs in this respect.

I almost ended the post there: yay, warm fuzzies, happy family, gooey holiday feeling. But the thing is giving has NOT always been better than receiving. Sometimes it has really sucked. And I don’t just mean because I’ve seen it as a financial burden or because I didn’t really want to do it, though those things have also been true from time to time. Attempting to live generously induces you to learn a lot of things about yourself - at the bare minimum it has forced me to address whether or not I truly want to live with an open hand, or if I’m just saying I want to.

People let you down. They don’t respond the way you want to. They don’t APPRECIATE YOUR AMAZING ABILITY TO GIVE BACK DAMMIT!! If I feel like I didn’t have to make a decision about giving back (because of how I was raised), I definitely have had to make decisions about my reactions toward giving back. And they haven’t always been pretty.

Of course truth be told, now that I’m a few birthdays past my childhood, I know that being generous is up to me, I don’t have to do it. And I’ve decided to keep doing it (for a variety of reasons which should probably be addressed in another post); but sometimes I’ve made that decision in spite of how it makes me feel and not because I’ve bought into the mantra that giving is better than receiving.

(But I still don’t like the holiday “receiving” rat race.  We’re giftless :) )

Of course I’m kidding. I’ve made some pretty unreasonable decisions over the course of my life. Maybe this is why when I see people doing the same I want to jump into their lives and press the “pause” button. I’ve been lucky in that my ill-advised choices haven’t caused long-term dysfunction or narrowed my options in any extreme way. The most “unreasonable” choice I always point to was getting married too young - that one took the longest to bounce back from (two years and a well-qualified therapist) - but there have been others: Ryan and I becoming self-employed within a week of eachother; getting two dogs; moving to SF with no apartment and no jobs.

I’m not at all risk-averse and wouldn’t necessarily lump “risky” in with “unreasonable” but it’s knowing the difference that has recently given me pause to think. We’ve made a lot of risky decisions too: buying investment properties; traveling Asia; moving to Portland for Ryan’s startup. And while these things haven’t always worked out incredibly smoothly, I would say the difference is a). they didn’t/don’t have the potential to wreak real havoc on our lives; b). if there were/are hiccups, we’re equipped (financially, relationally, logistically) to handle them without severe detriment to our long-term goals; and c). if things go well they have the potential to actually bring us closer to our goals.

But how to know the difference? When I’ve made unreasonable choices in the past, of course I didn’t think they were ill-advised. Which is perhaps what’s so scary to me, and why I want to kick people when I see them making unreasonable mistakes: things like having kids on an unstable income; getting married without considering the implications; taking out loans; etc. When Ryan and I see people making decisions we question, it’s compelled us to look at our lives and ask - what’re we doing now that we’ll look back on later and deem was unreasonable?

I think the above criteria is a good place to start but it’s also hard to be objective when you might have to tell yourself “no” regarding something you really want. I had a big breakthrough this year when I decided to take time off from grad school. We could’ve finagled a solution that would’ve allowed Ryan to be in Portland for his startup and me to be in NYC for school but it just wouldn’t have made good sense and it ran the risk of significantly damaging our relationship and our finances. Since Ryan’s opportunity was time sensitive and mine wasn’t (I could defer for a year), I decided that waiting a year and saving ourselves from the potential fall out was well worth deferring my immediate wants.

I was pretty happy that I was able to remove myself from the situation enough to make a (relatively) objective decision and I hope this shows I’m not just getting more anal in my old age, but also a little wiser. In what areas have you been able to remove your blinders and start making reasonable choices?